Mary F*in’ Poppins?

I love the movie Mary Poppins. When I was a kid I had the piano music and could play all the songs. “Feed the Birds” always made me sad — still does. So I am looking forward to the movie Mary Poppins Returns. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Lin Manuel Miranda is going to play Bert!

So the other day I was at the theater seeing “A Wrinkle in Time” and saw a trailer for the movie:

At the end of the trailer was this:

Well isn’t that just Supercalifrickinlisticexpialidocious?  “This film has not yet been rated?!?!?!?!?!” Is there any chance it would be anything other than “G”? But it got me thinking — what could be in the film that would give it an “R” rating:

  • “Chimney Sweeps” is now an all male dance show in Vegas. You wouldn’t believe what they use to clean your chimney.
  • Michael Banks’ spoonful of sugar has become a spoonful of coke and he’s in the First Fidelity rehab facility.
  • Jane Banks is living in a double-wide with her five kids from five different baby daddies. She works at a local tobacco store — Sister Cigarette.
  •  Uncle Albert is selling nitrous oxide at his “On The Ceiling Coffee Bar” so everyone can love to laugh.
  • Mary Poppins traded sliding up and down the banister to a sliding up and down a dance pole at the local watering hole.
  • Bert no longer “steps in time” but is “doin’ time” for selling pot brownies at his Jolly Holiday Cafe.

Yep, I guess there is a chance this could turn “R” — I mean it is starring Emily “Blunt” isn’t it. Everybody jump into the chalk drawing!!!!!

A Gift Like No Other

mammogram giftI get a mammogram every year and as every woman should. If you can’t afford one, find a clinic where you can pay on a sliding scale or not pay at all. These places are out there. Every woman should have her breasts pressed once a year, if for no other reason than to get the wrinkles out.

That being said, I just don’t think a gift certificate for a mammogram is going to catch on. Nor will a certificate for a pap smear, colonoscopy, prostate exam, or week in Minot, North Dakota. (While the latter is not a medical procedure, it can be just as unappealing and longer as the others.)

Of course, with the current trend in health insurance (or lack thereof), this may be the only option people who are still waiting for the trickle down effect to start working will have to get these procedures and others.

If the medical profession really wants to get this idea off the ground they are gong to need some snappy marketing. For example:

I can’t get you a sports car,
I can’t send you off to Europe,
I can’t give you a condo,
But I can give you some stirrups.

A pap smear is waiting for you at the AAA Pap Clinic.

Personally I’m hoping for my next birthday all my friends will pitch in and get me that colonoscopy I’ve always wanted. That way I can eat my cake and then see what happens to it too.

Um, I’d rather not.

HHB-05I’ve seen stickers that say “I Voted” or “I Gave Blood” or “Going Casual For A Good Cause” but this one — um, why?

Why would anyone wear this? Why would anyone actually ask someone this question? Why did someone think this was a good idea?

And where?

Where would you find someone wearing this? A restaurant? A doctor’s office? An obsessive-compulsive convention?

Oh, and what is It belongs to Joint Commission Resources and for the life of me I can’t figure out what commission this is a resource for. If you can figure it out, let me know.

For The Extremely Lonely

boyfriend The Boyfriend Pillow

I found this in one of the many catalogs I receive. I had to wonder 1) who invented this; 2) who would buy this; and 3) does it come in different styles. For instance could you get one with a suit and tie (or a half a suit and half a tie) for those times when you just want to snuggle with a corporate giant. Or maybe one with a plaid shirt for a cuddle with those lumberjack outdoorsy guys. Or perhaps a guy in a t-shirt that says “No Fat Chicks” when you want to snuggle with a loser. And perhaps in a variety of skin tones in case you aren’t turned on by this pasty white dude.

I went online (my favorite place after Ben & Jerry’s) and found a patent for the “boyfriend pillow.” It originated in China and states:

With the concept of people working and living the concept of change, accelerated pace of life, in a tight spare time, sleeping, relaxing, not only requires the body needs to be relaxed, but also need to get some psychological comfort, especially modern city single women, especially. The headrest on the market today can not meet this requirement.

So, as the catalog said, snuggle up and get cozy with a pillow that likes to cuddle and has a motion device that makes the pillow soothingly vibrate (batteries not included).”

I understand it is so real that if you start to tell it how your feeling it immediately turns off.

Oh and don’t worry guys — you aren’t being forgotten. There’s the girlfriend pillow. I just don’t know why she is wearing a dishwashing glove. Oh, wait, I do understand.

girlfriend pillow


Vactioning With God

jesus resortThis ad caught my eye “Riverside Resort — Owned by God … Operated by Jim & Jeanette.” I’m thinking it has the Fisher of Men Boat Rental – If You Can’t Walk On Water Then Ride On Water; Virgin Mary Woods – Untouched by Man; and John the Baptist Beach – Wash Away Your Cares and Your Sins.

Also good when finances get a little tight – I mean who’s going to come after God? Ye without debt foreclose the first loan.