Finally, my book “It Can Never Get Too Cold – And Other Minnesota Humor” is on Amazon. You can get it as an ebook or you can get a hard copy (DONNA) here. I am still working on getting it on Barnes & Nobles nook site.
It is a collection of the columns I did for the Southwest Journal, Minnesota Monthly, and Law and Politics — all about living in Minnesota.
I had a lot of fun writing these columns — it was where I got my start as a published writer. Now I am working on my Fringe show and a new book — all while I cure cancer, find a way to feed the hungry and work for world peace. I think I should start by taking a nap.
I learned last night on The Daily Show (where I get all my news) that Minneapolis is the number one gay city and San Francisco is number 11?!? I didn’t know. I’m not sure if this news will only add fuel to the fire of those people in St. Paul who think making gay marriage illegal is a number one priority.
Of course, they ran on the platform of more jobs and lower taxes and we all know that the possibility of gay marriage is what is keeping our economy down. Why just the other day I overheard this conversation “I was gonna buy me a new truck this year and but I just can’t risk it when there might be some gay marriage going on.” “Yeah, I know what you mean, I was going to hire 40 new people to work in my company but I can’t as long as marriage is not legally defined as being between a man and a woman.” No, really, I heard it. Trust me.
And now that Minneapolis is Number 1 the threat to our economy is even greater. We’ll never get a new Vikings’ stadium if we can’t get this marriage thing under control.
Well just in case you haven’t heard the good news the Lingerie Football League (I’ll say that again just so you know it’s not a typo – the Lingerie Football League) is coming to Minnesota. Until yesterday I never knew this “sport” even existed. And it’s big. The LFL currently has 10 teams and they are expanding to 14 teams. Thankfully Minnesota is included – and they will be playing at the city-owned Target Center. Yes, now Minneapolis is in the lingerie business. I guess since Hooters left Block E they felt they needed something new to fill the sleaze factor for downtown.
The LFL is looking for a good name for our team. The other teams have names such as: San Diego Seduction, Dallas Desire and Orlando Fantasy. Those sure sound like tough teams to me. I’m leaning towards names for our local team like Northern Naughty, Minnesota Muffins or Twin Cities Titties — we could be Minnesota – the team of 10,000 wet dreams.
Tryouts are coming up. I may have to sign up. If that doesn’t put an end to the LFL, nothing will.
I participated in the New York Times Moment in Time project this morning. They asked people all of the world to take a picture at 15:00 UT which is apparently 10:00 a.m. in Minneapolis (I’m very happy it wasn’t 5:00 a.m. in Minneapolis because I’m not sure I would have been so enthusiastic.) So I went down to Lake of the Isles and took a bunch of pictures from 10:00 to about 10:03. I love photography and would like to spend more time taking pictures. Of course that could tear me away from television and playing Flood so I’d hate to have that happen.
After playing Margaret White (see you’ll learn something if you read this blog) I went to FedEx Office (formerly FedEx Kinko’s which was formerly Kinko’s) and had a Spinal Tap moment. If you’ve never seen the movie you should but for those of you who have remember the scene where the gigantic Stonehenge rocks are suppose to descend from the ceiling and little people were to dance around it? Well I went to get the posters for my firm’s event tomorrow and was expecting large posters and got rather small posters. I’m sure they’ll work but I guess I didn’t have to clean out my trunk to fit them in there. Oh well, the trunk is clean and life will go on.
You know with this look … I can’t imagine why I never pursued a career as a Playboy Bunny … a demented bunny for sure but still.
Happy Easter. Here in Minneapolis we have a beautiful day. I live near the Basilica of St. Mary in downtown Minneapolis so last night I could hear the Easter eve bells ring every hour and this morning at 8:30 they were ringing as I took Mz. Freckles for a walk in the park. What a great way to start the day.
Now for the family thing … I use to ask my mother “Did we have a really slow milkman or mailman?” because I was sure my brother and I couldn’t come from the same two parents. Even when she was in the hospital dying I had to ask one more time. It made us both laugh – I remember that. But, back to my family. I have been invited to “brunch” at my brother’s home — at 1:00. Who eats brunch at 1:00? And I am willing to bet it will be 2:00. My brother is lucky to have married a woman who shared his slower pace in life. If you invite them over and hope to eat at 6:30 you tell them 5:30. And dinner is almost always served around 8 or 9:00. I think they are doing that New Yorker thing in Minneapolis which is hard on those of us, like me, who are doing that Minneapolis thing.
My favorite Easter memory is when one year my dad put chocolate covered raisins on the carpet in the living room near our Easter baskets and then picked one up, smelled it, popped it in his mouth and said “I hate it when that bunny poops all over the place” and continued to eat the bunny droppings. And people wonder why I turned out the way I did.
I found my crown from my 50th birthday when I was looking through some boxes. You know I think I look gorgeous in a crown. I think we should all go through life wearing crowns.
I suppose if you wear a crown you have to be queen or king of something. At one point I appointed myself Office Queen where I work, but I’m willing to relinquish my title there — I’m tired of carrying my purse and waving as I walk down the halls. I’m not sure what I’d like to be queen of — queen of the world seems a little overwhelming, queen of the U.S. seems a little beauty queen (and I hate to ALWAYS be flaunting my beauty), and even the coveted Aquatennial Queen of Minneapolis requires you to be a little too perky for my tastes. In high school I wanted to be Homecoming Queen but that didn’t happen (damn you Nancy Baxter for stealing my thunder), I was Snowball Princess but that Kathy Nelson got to be Snowball Queen. I was Honored Queen for Bethel 18 of Jobs Daughters and that was cool — kind of bizarre but cool.
I think I’d like to be Bowling Queen, even though I haven’t bowled in years. I’d like to go from bowling alley to bowling alley and hang out with people who are having fun, drinking beer, and wearing funny shirts. This would be way better than being Triathlon Queen where you have to hang out with people who are sweating, in pain, and generally ready to throw up. They always look like they want to hurt me.
So go get yourself a crown. Everyone looks good in a crown. Look at how great my friend Peter looks in a crown.