Top 10 Reasons To Take a Book To Bed Instead Of A Man

  1. book-bedA book won’t get you pregnant.
  2. You don’t have to tell a book that yes it’s the best book you’ve ever read and the earth moved and you’ll never find a book as good as … well you get the idea.
  3. You don’t have to shave your legs for a book.
  4. You can go to sleep when you want.
  5. A book will be there in the morning.
  6. If you don’t like it there are always new books waiting for you.
  7. A book won’t leave you for a younger reader.
  8. A small book is as good (sometimes better) than a big book.
  9. Your best friend will let you borrow her book.
  10. No wet spots.

 

Life Without A Name Tag

erma2I’ve spent the last three days wearing a name tag around my neck. It didn’t just say my name; it said I was part of this wonderful group of people. Mostly women of all ages from all parts of the country and some from other countries. It also said “I don’t have to remember your name because I can just look at your name tag.”

I know there was a Seinfeld episode where one of them suggested that everyone in New York wear a name tag but there is something nice about being in a place where you don’t have to have that awkward moment of not knowing someone’s name but that someone knows your name.

Continue reading

Maybe not…

Have you ever seen an outfit in a catalog or online and thought it was cute. Well I was looking for something to wear to my Fringe Show and wanted something bright and sassy and found this outfit. I thought it would work so I ordered it.

Well, maybe not. I took it out of the package and my first thought was “Oh my God that is one big ass star or is it a starfish.” Then I tried it on — 1) it was a little big and 2) Oh my God that is one big ass star or is it a starfish on my chest.

So, I will be returning it and wearing something from my closet which is fine. But I have experienced catalog disappointment often. There were these two dresses I bought from a company that delivers them from England. They were amazingly inexpensive when I ordered them and when they arrived they amazing cheap. And as I tried them on I wondered “what was I thinking?” These would be nice dresses for someone in the late teens and twenties but I looked like I was going to a costume party as an old lady who is still trying to graduate from high school. The cost to return them was just a bit less than the cost of the outfits so I donated them to an organization that will hopefully be able to find a more suitable person for this particular fashion statement.

 

Elevator: A One Act Play

elevatorBased on a true story that happened 10 minutes ago on the elevator at work.

Scene: A beautiful, overworked, underpaid, redhead goddess is on the elevator going to get something for lunch. We stop on 13 and a man gets on.  He is looking at the floor buttons.

Man:  I need to get to the basement.

Goddess:  This elevator doesn’t go to the basement.

Man: But, I need to get to the basement.

Goddess: Well you better get a shovel. [smile]

Man: You think that’s funny???

Goddess: I think it’s hysterical.

The End (luckily of the story, not the Goddess who forgets that not everyone “gets” her).

 

And All Comedians Rejoice!!!!

Donald-TrumpDonald Trump is thinking of running for president saying that he could have beaten President Obama both times — with his hands tied behind his back — which I’ve heard is something he enjoys.  He also is sure he could have done a better job winning WWII than Dwight Eisenhower; could have brought on a depression faster than Herbert Hoover; and would have been impeached sooner than Richard Nixon.

 

Sarah Palin is also thinking about running for president in 2016. I hear she said she would know for sure in two years. Based on this photo:

PALIN

we can see what her foreign policy would be. Hey “Fuc__ You Russia,” “Up Yours China,” “Your Mother Wears Combat Boots Terrorists.”  And it would save us a lot of money — all we would need is some poster board and black markers.

This will make every comedian/humor writer in the world happy. Someone needs to tell Tina Fey she will be quite busy in the next months.

 

 

The Boy Next Door — An Achievement in Cinema?

Screen Shot 2015-01-22 at 9.31.58 PMI keep seeing these ads for the movie The Boy Next Door.  It is based on real life — an incredibly good looking boy moves into a house that is next to an incredibly good looking, lonely, housewife. Of course they end up in bed, because that’s what is required by the ordinances of most cities when these events occur (which is usually “never” times the square root of “no way” divided by “when monkeys fly”).

This film was produced by the Wet Dreamworks Studio.

I’m hoping The Boy Next Door 2 will feature a boy with acne, dandruff, and who smells like — a teenage boy who moves next door to his grandmother’s best friend Sadie who has more facial hair than he has.

A Pleasant Surprise

iStock_000014513344_SmallHave you ever been surprised by seeing something and not realizing how beautiful and wonderful it is until you can feel your face changing as you start to smile. Not a big toothy smile but your lips just start to go up along with your spirits. Well this morning I was watching CBS Sunday Morning — a Sunday morning tradition with me — and at the end of the show they always have a segment that takes place out in nature. This morning it was a film of cardinals on evergreen trees in Oklahoma where it was snowing and the birds were looking for shelter. As I was watching I thought about my friend Patti who thinks of her son who left us this past November when she sees a cardinal. She shared the idea of how when we see a cardinal it is our loved one coming back to say hello:

“A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they’ll appear.”

As I watched I could feel the corners of my lips start to go up. It was a great moment. Just wanted to share it.

James Taylor Sings To The French

jamesJohn Kerry had James Taylor sing “You’ve Got A Friend” to the French. I suppose it’s a nice moment but personally I would have preferred Woody & Buzz Lightyear singing “You’ve Got A Friend In Me.” What struck me was what the article said under the video of James Taylor:

That’s Secretary of State John Kerry and his pal James Taylor in Paris, singing America’s condolences for the Charlie Hebdo massacre. Terror experts are unsure how the French will retaliate.

At first I thought they were wondering how the French would retaliate for having to listen to James Taylor. My mind goes places very few other have gone.

What You Learn When You Can’t Talk

Toothbrush headJust got home from having my teeth cleaned. The hygienist likes to talk and I like to talk to but it is one time when I pretty much have to shut up (I hate it). So by simply listening I found out a lot of my hygienist. Such as:

  1. Her 19 year old son is home on break of the University of Minnesota
  2. He works part-time at the Dairy Queen
  3. He is bored and should be trying to find an internship for the summer or he’ll end up working at the Dairy Queen.
  4. Her 12 year old son doesn’t like to read.
  5. He will be 13 soon.
  6. Her daughter is 17 and a junior in high school.
  7. She wants to be a pediatric nurse.
  8. She doesn’t like chemistry.
  9. My hygienist was forced by her parents to work in a dental office during high school so she could find out if she really would like working in dentistry.
  10. She didn’t like it but it was pediatric dentistry and that is different.
  11. Kids are given a “cocktail” and strapped to boards sometimes in order to work on their teeth. (Yeah, I thought that was odd.)
  12. She is 47.
  13. Her mom has an Oral B brush but doesn’t like to keep it in the bathroom. Once it is charged up she puts it in a drawer in the bathroom but keeps the charger in her bedroom.
  14. My hygienist told her kids that each tooth had a name when she would brush them. This came up because she was talking about tooth 5 or tooth 18 or whatever and I said I prefer to name my teeth than to give them impersonal numbers.

That is a lot of information about one person. It’s amazing what you can learn if you shut up and just listen. I’ll have to try that sometime.