There Is No “U” In Single

fish-in-the-seaI was divorced in February of 1980. It was a rough couple of weeks. Two weeks before my divorce my dad died. There was a lot of loneliness going around back then.

But years later I would start having parties and bringing cake to work for my “divorcaversary.” My favorite was the cake that said “Love Stinks.” Since my divorcaversary is on February 11th it was a nice touch to have the cake right around Valentine’s Day.

I have had relationships since my divorce but nothing that stuck, and more than a few that stank. It’s part of the charm of life.

I tried eHarmony and Our Time dating services but for me it was more off key than harmony and definitely not my time.

But I really don’t care — there are a few times when I think it would be nice to be part of a couple but in general it’s not a big deal. And now that I’m retired the pickings are slim and the desire is anorexic. Don’t get me wrong, I would never say no to love but I’m just not stepexpecting it to show up. Of course I didn’t expect arthritis to show up and here it is.

You just never know what life will bring your way so be ready for adventure, but watch where you are walking.

A Salute to Baby Carrots

pseudo-baby-carrotsJanuary 1st is the beginning of the end for thousands of bags of baby carrots. Everyone who has started their diet today will buy a bag of baby carrots with the intention of eating them instead of a bag of chips or a bar of chocolate or a box of cookies. And eventually they will be pushed towards the back of the fridge behind the bowls of whatever until one day they are discovered and discarded.
 
So here is a salute to the baby carrots who have given their lives to support the dreams and illusions of the world dieters.

Here Comes The Train

crossingToday as I was driving home, trying to avoid the 85 areas around me of road construction, I got to one of my best shortcuts home and there was a train going down the track I had to cross.

When I was growing up we had to cross this track on the way to and from my grandma and grandpa’s house. I used to silently pray for a train to go by because I loved to watch them and usually the guy in the caboose would wave at you if you hung out the window and waved at him. It was one of my favorite things.

When I said I would “silently pray” it wasn’t because I was a quiet and shy child — it watrains because my parents didn’t share my joy when there was a train. They thought of it was just a delay.

Today I thought of that and I wondered at what point did I change from the kid who loved to see a train go by — to watch in awe at one train car after another that passed by and wonder what was in those cars — to an “adult” who saw them as an impediment to my progress to wherever I was going.

Today I was in no hurry — I didn’t have to get home to do anything in particular; there were no frozen foods melting in the backseat; there was no job timing my arrival; Keifer Sutherland wasn’t waiting for me to arrive — with the exception of Daisy wanted to get out of her crate there was no rush. But there I was annoyed like the people in front and behind me. I even turned off my car since I had no idea how long I’d be there.caboose Then as I saw the final cars approaching I started my engine, looked up, and saw the guy in the caboose waving at us. I waved back and was suddenly that kid again; at least until the car behind me honked.

Travel Is Not My Thing

The view from my balcony. I am suffering

The view from my balcony. I am suffering

I am now in San Diego for the Social Media Marketing World conference. Over 3,000 people will be attending. After the wonderful time at the Erma Bombeck conference I am afraid it may not be as warm and welcoming a group — but you never know. I am adorable and cuddly.

I have been lucky to be able to do some traveling in the past few years on my employer’s dime — San Diego, Las Vegas, San Jose, Chicago — but I just want to go back home.

Not sure why I don’t get into it like other people do. Of course I am at these places on my own and I think that makes a difference. I’m pretty sure if I have a travel companion (are you paying attention Keifer Sutherland) I’d be more excited and adventurous. I did find a number of web sites about the single traveler but the people in the picture looked much more together than I am. I’m thinking after I retire I would like to get in the car with Daisy and drive around the country visiting friends — I already know where you live so don’t try moving now.

Of course leaving Daisy behind does not make it any easier. Today I watched as the nicest person at Now Boarding was dragging her off — should would not walk. He finally picked her up. I felt like I was sending her off to the Bataan death march. Perhaps if I could travel with her I would have more fun — or at least feel better.

Okay I’m rambling a bit — sorry. Had to get up early (for me) to get to the airport. Of course now that I’m in San Diego I am 2 hours younger — I can see it in my face.

I’ll keep you posted on Social Media Palooza (as I call it).

FREE DRUGS!!!!

drugsToday I went to pick up some prescriptions … yes I have multiple prescriptions to make somethings higher, somethings lower, and somethings not want to go screaming naked into the night with a baseball bat. The pharmacist started scanning them in and said “There’s no cost. You get free drugs.”

Yes, free drugs that cost me $3,500 in medical bills between January 1st and today. Now it is a treat to know that for the rest of the year my drugs will be “free” and so will most of any medical visits.

While I was contemplating my “free” drugs it took me back to 1978 — in a place far far away called Sandstone Federal prison. My then boyfriend was getting out after serving a few years for things I’m better off not talking about. I had driven up to the prison to pick him and bring him back to the cities where he would be spending a month or two in a halfway house.

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If The Thrill Of Going Blind, Getting Hair On The Palms Of Your Hand, and Going Insane Isn’t Enough

n-MASTURBATE-large570The Huffington Post has an article on 13 Reasons Why Women Should Masturbate Regularly. I haven’t read it because I’m thinking one is enough. I’m actually sad that someone would have to be talked into it. It seems so obvious — who would need more than one reason. I’m sensing a series of articles:

  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Brush Their Teeth
  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Not Date Serial Killers
  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Not Jump Into Hot Tar Pits

So these are my guesses at the 13 reasons:

  1. Duh!
  2. Anything to postpone cleaning the closets
  3. Nothing good on television
  4. Already on Santa’s naughty list so go for it
  5. Because Ted Cruz would disapprove
  6. You’ve gotta fever and no cow bell
  7. Keifer Sutherland (need I explain?)
  8. You’ve run out of chocolate
  9. The internet is down
  10. You’re on hold for customer service with Comcast
  11. All your eHarmony matches could be guest stars on Criminal Minds
  12. It’s the first day of the rest of your life so start it out with a bang (or sorts)
  13. The Huffington Post said you should

Of course there are some people busy somewhere (Fox News) preparing a new list — 13 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Masturbate Regularly:

  1. Puts pressure on men to do something other than the clapper (roll on/roll off/the clapper)
  2. Less time to do their housekeeping
  3. If God had wanted you to have orgasms you would be men
  4. Who is going to drive the car pool if women are all home getting jiggy with themselves
  5. Ted Cruz would disapprove
  6. There is laundry piling up
  7. We’re sure there’s something in the bible forbidding it
  8. You would muss up your housedress
  9. Because if you do, the terrorists win
  10. These floors aren’t going to mop themselves
  11. The Elf on the Shelf will report it to Santa
  12. That’s a man’s job (insert your own “job” joke here)
  13. That’s how communism gets a hold of you

Either way it’s obvious that Santa and Ted Cruz are involved in this discussion, and isn’t that sad.

santa cruz

 

What Should Be Minnesota’s State Book?

bibleSometimes you think you have nothing to write about and then Tennessee legislators come along and save the day. They have voted to designate the bible as the state book.  Apparently there is no poverty, illiteracy, homelessness, or other problems in Tennessee for them to work with so they are forced to spend their time trying to figure out what should be the state book.

I’m from Minnesota and I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t believe we have a state book. We have more lakes than anyone else but we have no state book. I think this must change soon. Since the bible is already taken — and I don’t want us to be accused of being copycats — I have some suggestions:

A Fan Favorite

A Fan Favorite

For the foodies of the state

For the foodies of the state

Don't they all???

Don’t they all???

Minnesota's weapon against invading Canadians

Our secret weapon

A must have

A must have

Fashion ideas

Fashion ideas

Keep us humble

Keep us humble

Why we have winter

Why we have winter

While they were all contenders, and worthy of a good Minnesotan’s bookshelf, there is only one book that deserves to be called Minnesota’s state book:

prince

 

‘Sup

wavingAll I did was say “Good Morning.” I don’t want your first born (or any born) child. I don’t care if you know Jesus. I am not a zombie who wants to eat your brains. I’m not a vampire who wants to suck your blood. I’m not even that creepy person from English Lit who you think wanted to ask you to the prom but you’d rather dance naked in the street with your weird cousin from New Ulm than go to the prom with them.

I’m your neighbor — I live in the same building you do — and I just said “Good morning.” The proper response is “Good Morning,” or “Hi,” or “‘Sup.” The proper response is not to just keep walking and ignore me.

This happens all the time in my building with some of my younger neighbors. I’ll say “Good Morning” or “Hello” or something as threatening as “Hi,” and they look past me with this kind of fear on their face — it could be disdain — so with fear and/or disdain on their face. They look at me with disfainear. I like making up my own words.

Sometimes I have come back into the building after taking Miss Daisy out for her morning toilette and will see one of my neighbors leaving as I’m coming in. “Good morning” I’ll say and, of course there is no response. So, since they don’t talk I figure I have to pick up the conversation and I’ll just continue “Well good morning Mary how are you? Well I’m fine, thank you for asking; how are you? Just fine, have a nice day Mary. Thanks you too.”

I’m amused but the mute person in the lobby is just confused. Perhaps if I texted them “Good morning” I would get a response. Now I’m sounding like the old guy who yells “Get off my lawn you dang kids.” But I just want to let you know that if someone gives you a greeting it is nice to acknowledge it — unless it is a man in a station wagon offering your candy.

If you’re not sure how that is done here is a little video to help you:

 

 

Top 10 Reasons To Take a Book To Bed Instead Of A Man

  1. book-bedA book won’t get you pregnant.
  2. You don’t have to tell a book that yes it’s the best book you’ve ever read and the earth moved and you’ll never find a book as good as … well you get the idea.
  3. You don’t have to shave your legs for a book.
  4. You can go to sleep when you want.
  5. A book will be there in the morning.
  6. If you don’t like it there are always new books waiting for you.
  7. A book won’t leave you for a younger reader.
  8. A small book is as good (sometimes better) than a big book.
  9. Your best friend will let you borrow her book.
  10. No wet spots.