Son Of A Stag Party

A local magazine recently featured different ideas for kids’ birthday parties. There were traditional ideas such as clowns, ponies, facepainting and storytellers. There were also unique ideas such as art parties and a cooking school that let the party goers make their own lunch. But what caught my eye were two companies that offered “little girls, ages four and up…the full ‘beauty’ treatment” or gave “your little beauties…the cover girl treatment,” including a mini-makeover.

Now you may think it bothers me that girls are being socialized so early to believe that beauty is a measure of worth, but that isn’t the case at all. Everyone knows you can never learn too early how to properly de-emphasize a large nose or create expressive eyes. In fact, I’m repulsed to think there could be defenseless girls walking around who have no idea how to properly use an eyelash curler.

What does bother me is the lack of great parties like this for little boys. How will they ever grow up to be manly men without the benefit of early learning experiences. So I did some investigating and came-up with a few party ideas for those “little hunks” of yours:

JIFFY LUBE: Your little mechanics will be feeling their oats after they’ve been down in the pits changing oil and greasing a few chassis. The little grease monkeys will love playing What’s in the Glove Compartment and Spin the Hubcap. Each guest will go home with an air freshener to hang from the rear view mirror, a can of car wax, and a dirty blue shirt with the name “Duke” embroidered on it. This party is guaranteed to be an accelerating experience for every little boy. Continue reading

A Gift Like No Other

mammogram giftI get a mammogram every year and as every woman should. If you can’t afford one, find a clinic where you can pay on a sliding scale or not pay at all. These places are out there. Every woman should have her breasts pressed once a year, if for no other reason than to get the wrinkles out.

That being said, I just don’t think a gift certificate for a mammogram is going to catch on. Nor will a certificate for a pap smear, colonoscopy, prostate exam, or week in Minot, North Dakota. (While the latter is not a medical procedure, it can be just as unappealing and longer as the others.)

Of course, with the current trend in health insurance (or lack thereof), this may be the only option people who are still waiting for the trickle down effect to start working will have to get these procedures and others.

If the medical profession really wants to get this idea off the ground they are gong to need some snappy marketing. For example:

I can’t get you a sports car,
I can’t send you off to Europe,
I can’t give you a condo,
But I can give you some stirrups.

A pap smear is waiting for you at the AAA Pap Clinic.

Personally I’m hoping for my next birthday all my friends will pitch in and get me that colonoscopy I’ve always wanted. That way I can eat my cake and then see what happens to it too.

For The Extremely Lonely

boyfriend The Boyfriend Pillow

I found this in one of the many catalogs I receive. I had to wonder 1) who invented this; 2) who would buy this; and 3) does it come in different styles. For instance could you get one with a suit and tie (or a half a suit and half a tie) for those times when you just want to snuggle with a corporate giant. Or maybe one with a plaid shirt for a cuddle with those lumberjack outdoorsy guys. Or perhaps a guy in a t-shirt that says “No Fat Chicks” when you want to snuggle with a loser. And perhaps in a variety of skin tones in case you aren’t turned on by this pasty white dude.

I went online (my favorite place after Ben & Jerry’s) and found a patent for the “boyfriend pillow.” It originated in China and states:

With the concept of people working and living the concept of change, accelerated pace of life, in a tight spare time, sleeping, relaxing, not only requires the body needs to be relaxed, but also need to get some psychological comfort, especially modern city single women, especially. The headrest on the market today can not meet this requirement.

So, as the catalog said, snuggle up and get cozy with a pillow that likes to cuddle and has a motion device that makes the pillow soothingly vibrate (batteries not included).”

I understand it is so real that if you start to tell it how your feeling it immediately turns off.

Oh and don’t worry guys — you aren’t being forgotten. There’s the girlfriend pillow. I just don’t know why she is wearing a dishwashing glove. Oh, wait, I do understand.

girlfriend pillow

 

Tips For Life

kotex tips for life

I don’t keep much to myself. Some people would say “Don’t you have any shame?”   I’d like to think that I don’t – shame does nothing for my soul. If you know me you probably know that I don’t like mayonnaise, I cry when I listen to Barry Manilow, I was caught skinny dipping in a local park kiddy pool at 3 in the morning, my ex-husband was in prison (that didn’t have anything to do with the skinny dipping episode), and, according to my doctor, I have the cervix of a 20-year-old (this won’t get you a date but it’s nice to know).

You are now about to find out something about me that I never thought I’d be sharing but I need to share for the sake of this written work. As a writer I know I need to reach deep down into my soul and not be afraid to speak the truth. So in the spirit of the great literary tradition of my fellow writers such as Walker, Hemingway, Oates, Hawthorne, Alcott and Seuss I must reveal that I, Mary Hirsch, use pantiliners. There it’s out in the open. Now I can go on to enlighten the world with this potential Pulitzer Prize work.

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