Look Out Below-ho-ho

So my friend Sue, not to be confused with Myrna who was formerly known as Sue also, was driving aimlessly through Bloomington on Saturday looking for hook-ups for the evening at the car wash when she discovered that Santa had apparently been drinking heavily and fell on his ass, looked up to the heavens, opening his arms wide and said “Where the hell are those damn elves when I need them”? Rumor has it three elves and a reindeer were caught underneath Santa and services will be held on Saturday — in lieu of flowers memorials are preferred to the North Pole Hazelden Rehab Center (formerly known as Santa Anonymous until that started to confuse people who kept leaving Candyland and Tonka Trucks on the door steps). Hopefully Santa will be back on his feet in time for the holidays.