More Gift Ideas for Christmas

 Here are some more great gift ideas for you:

First there are toothbrushes that already have toothpaste in them. Just put under some water and you are good to go.

How incredibly lazy could a person be that he or she needs pre-pasted toothbrushes. Perhaps we could get pre-wadded toilet paper.

Then there is the bottom bank. It’s not bad enough that you have to stick coins into the backside of what I believe is a plumber at work but, and here’s the strong selling point, when you put a coin in the bank makes a farting noise. I guess if you want to force your children to save money this would be a good idea — they would be putting money in there all day long.

On the positive side, I think this would be a great tip jar to have at the reception desk of a proctologist. I often wonder if proctologists find their jobs as amusing as the rest of us. Do any of them actually get a license plate that says “ASSMAN”?

And finally there is the macabre gift to remember a loved one. I found this one that actually featured my name. I’m thinking of buying it for

my niece or nephews to have when the time comes. There is a poem called “Don’t Cry For Me I’m Spending Christmas In Heaven.” The first time I heard it I wanted to run out of the room. I was at a club meeting in December. I had been hired to do some stand-up for their holiday party. They were having dinner when the president of the club stood up and announced that “We all know that we lost one of our most popular and active members a few days ago. Let’s take a moment to share memories we have of her.” This was followed by 15 minutes of stories, someone singing “Amazing Grace” and then someone reading “Don’t Cry For Me I’m Spending Christmas In Heaven” after which the president said “And now I’m pleased to present comedian Mary Hirsch.” Well at this point everyone was crying and I wanted to run out of the room. But, being the professional that I am, I went on with the show.  I am still available for parties and funerals.