Post-Exam Report

A report from exam room:

First, I apparently am in good shape for an out of shape, calorically-challenged, 57 year old woman. Of course we’re still waiting for the lab work so let’s not start the parades yet.

Every time I go for my annual physical I have that one moment when I think Freud was right, when I have penis envy — the moment I have to fill the cup. I wonder if all women have as much trouble as me with the whole aiming situation. Eventually I get it right but there seems to be a lot of trial and error first. It’s not pretty. But if you want to get in good with the lab tech here’s a hint — draw a smiley face on the cover. They always like that. One time I happen to have some stickers in my purse so I put those on the cup too. I promise they won’t use the rusty needle when they draw blood if you decorate your pee cup first.

Then there’s the “breath normally” moment. I’m naked in a room filled with cold steel instruments and you want me to breath normally. That ain’t gonna happen. You breath normally and I’ll do the best I can.

Good news on the height front — I’m still 5′-3 1/2″ — I haven’t shrunk anymore. I use to be 5′ 4″ — oh I remember the days of excessive height so well — when I could look down on the 5′ 3-1/2″ people. And I lost a couple of pounds since last year — go figure. My doctor says to me “What is your exercise and weight loss plan?” like I have one. I’ve been going to the same doctor of 25 years; you’d think she’d catch on by now. I suppose hope springs eternal in the medical community.

Next Monday I get a mammogram, or as my friend Terry calls it a pancake breakfast. Stay tuned for my report on that event.