If The Thrill Of Going Blind, Getting Hair On The Palms Of Your Hand, and Going Insane Isn’t Enough

n-MASTURBATE-large570The Huffington Post has an article on 13 Reasons Why Women Should Masturbate Regularly. I haven’t read it because I’m thinking one is enough. I’m actually sad that someone would have to be talked into it. It seems so obvious — who would need more than one reason. I’m sensing a series of articles:

  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Brush Their Teeth
  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Not Date Serial Killers
  • 13 Reasons Why Women Should Not Jump Into Hot Tar Pits

So these are my guesses at the 13 reasons:

  1. Duh!
  2. Anything to postpone cleaning the closets
  3. Nothing good on television
  4. Already on Santa’s naughty list so go for it
  5. Because Ted Cruz would disapprove
  6. You’ve gotta fever and no cow bell
  7. Keifer Sutherland (need I explain?)
  8. You’ve run out of chocolate
  9. The internet is down
  10. You’re on hold for customer service with Comcast
  11. All your eHarmony matches could be guest stars on Criminal Minds
  12. It’s the first day of the rest of your life so start it out with a bang (or sorts)
  13. The Huffington Post said you should

Of course there are some people busy somewhere (Fox News) preparing a new list — 13 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Masturbate Regularly:

  1. Puts pressure on men to do something other than the clapper (roll on/roll off/the clapper)
  2. Less time to do their housekeeping
  3. If God had wanted you to have orgasms you would be men
  4. Who is going to drive the car pool if women are all home getting jiggy with themselves
  5. Ted Cruz would disapprove
  6. There is laundry piling up
  7. We’re sure there’s something in the bible forbidding it
  8. You would muss up your housedress
  9. Because if you do, the terrorists win
  10. These floors aren’t going to mop themselves
  11. The Elf on the Shelf will report it to Santa
  12. That’s a man’s job (insert your own “job” joke here)
  13. That’s how communism gets a hold of you

Either way it’s obvious that Santa and Ted Cruz are involved in this discussion, and isn’t that sad.

santa cruz


Tips For Life

kotex tips for life

I don’t keep much to myself. Some people would say “Don’t you have any shame?”   I’d like to think that I don’t – shame does nothing for my soul. If you know me you probably know that I don’t like mayonnaise, I cry when I listen to Barry Manilow, I was caught skinny dipping in a local park kiddy pool at 3 in the morning, my ex-husband was in prison (that didn’t have anything to do with the skinny dipping episode), and, according to my doctor, I have the cervix of a 20-year-old (this won’t get you a date but it’s nice to know).

You are now about to find out something about me that I never thought I’d be sharing but I need to share for the sake of this written work. As a writer I know I need to reach deep down into my soul and not be afraid to speak the truth. So in the spirit of the great literary tradition of my fellow writers such as Walker, Hemingway, Oates, Hawthorne, Alcott and Seuss I must reveal that I, Mary Hirsch, use pantiliners. There it’s out in the open. Now I can go on to enlighten the world with this potential Pulitzer Prize work.

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