I don’t keep much to myself. Some people would say “Don’t you have any shame?” I’d like to think that I don’t – shame does nothing for my soul. If you know me you probably know that I don’t like mayonnaise, I cry when I listen to Barry Manilow, I was caught skinny dipping in a local park kiddy pool at 3 in the morning, my ex-husband was in prison (that didn’t have anything to do with the skinny dipping episode), and, according to my doctor, I have the cervix of a 20-year-old (this won’t get you a date but it’s nice to know).
You are now about to find out something about me that I never thought I’d be sharing but I need to share for the sake of this written work. As a writer I know I need to reach deep down into my soul and not be afraid to speak the truth. So in the spirit of the great literary tradition of my fellow writers such as Walker, Hemingway, Oates, Hawthorne, Alcott and Seuss I must reveal that I, Mary Hirsch, use pantiliners. There it’s out in the open. Now I can go on to enlighten the world with this potential Pulitzer Prize work.
The other day while removing that piece of paper that covers the sticky part (which I believe is the scientific name for this item) off my pantiliner I discovered that this was no ordinary pantiliner … this pantiliner came with “Tips for Life.” Yes, printed right there in English, French and Spanish were tips such as:
Staying active during your period can help relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily to help keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
It sure would have been a hoot if instead of tips for living they had sayings like in fortune cookies – “Don’t take any wooden tampons” or “Your Aunt Flo is coming soon.”
Now here’s another revelation about me – I don’t use pantiliners for those light days–my light days are over. My ovaries went out of business many years ago. Now they just hang out, discussing the good old days, with my barren womb and 20-year-old cervix (it’s not often I get to bring up my cervix once, much less twice). I thought the money I saved on feminine hygiene products would be enough to let me retire in comfort.
Unfortunately I discovered the minute you can stop worrying about birth control, you have to worry about bladder control. Hence, pantiliners – because you never know when a hiccup or cough will catch your bladder by surprise.
So these are really not “Tips for Life” that apply to me. Perhaps Kotex should have two different brands of pantiliners with different tips in each. One for “Light Days” and one for “Loose Bladders.”
The latter brand would include tips – using a really big font size so we don’t have to find our glasses to read a pantiliner – such as:
Walking really slow and keeping your knees together doesn’t work all that well so go to the bathroom before you leave work.
No matter how soothing it sounds, do not go to sleep listening to the sound of a rippling stream you may wake-up to regret it.
Cougars is a Hollywood phenomenon – no matter how many Botox treatments you have, the kid who mows your lawn will not do it with you on the dining room table.
Kotex® could even have a promotion – collect and send in 200 of those pieces of paper that cover the sticky part and you get a tee-shirt that says “There’s Wisdom In My Panties.”
That might catch the interest of the kid who mows your lawn.